How To Get The Most Happiness From Your Sex Life
Sex can be pretty fun, so a lot of people associate it with happiness. Which makes sense because frequent sex has been linked to greater contentment. (But that's a broad statistic, and we'll get more into it in a bit.)
Let's be honest. Sex can also cause anxiety: Like, Are we having sex enough?? Or Is everyone satisfied?? Or is this fun and interesting anymore??
Sorry to overshare, but when my husband and I first got married, I was nervous about how much sex we were or weren't having. We were inconsistent about it--some weeks we'd do it every day, some weeks we wouldn't do it at all. Then there was the in-between sex stuff. If you're getting each other off by other means--aka not just doing regular in-out penetration--is it still sex? Like does a sleepy hand-job given as a favor to a husband who woke up uh, turgid, count as sex?
And guess what? Yes, it totally does! Sex isn't just about scoring (duh). It's about intimacy, connection, and safety, and when you're getting enough action, you're likely to feel a bit better from day to day. (In particular, you tend to feel better specifically the day after you have sex.)
Here are some fun facts about banging, according to Happify:
- American grownups have sex, on average, 2-3 times per month. That's the average for married AND single people.
- 96% of people say sex is better when there's an emotional connection between partners. That's not to say emotionless sex is bad! It just means basically everyone likes that emotion stuff better. We're all a buncha softies.
- 57% of people in unhappy relationships still say they find their partner extremely attractive. (which is wild tbh).
That anxiety around frequency of sex is actually pretty powerful! Measuring how often you're getting down with your partner against how often other people get down with their partners is a little bit like judging how often you get your hair cut compared to how often other people get theirs cut.
Everyone's hair is different. It's different lengths and textures and grows at different rates. Sure, you can look at what other people do for context. For example, if you've gone a year without a haircut (read: sex) when ordinarily you LIKE to get your hair cut (have sex) more than once a year and think about haircuts (sex) all the time, well you might not be having enough sex.?. I mean haircuts.
All that's to say sex is so subjective and holding yourself to an arbitrary standard isn't going to make you happier.
Here's what WILL make you happier:
Get an app!
Ah, the solution to all of 2018 life's problems. There's this one app called Pleasure Machine and I'm not telling you it's like the most gorgeous app, but it does get the job done. It mimics a slot machine and you can pick from categories like romantic and wild. The slots spin and land on a set time (say, 30 seconds) and an activity (neck kissing!) and you have to do that thing for that much time.
It sounds very PG and a little silly, but what's nice about this app is it forces you to spend time on foreplay--adequate time. It can be too easy to just put out; really investing in just a few seconds of intimacy makes sex so much more fulfilling.
This is for all of you in the sex rut. If you've been working the same steps for years and finding the routine to be a little snoozy lately, it might be time to go bigger. Look, we're not telling you to go out and get fuzzy handcuffs. That might do it for you, but it's not quite that simple.
Go online and look up common kinks and see if any of those ideas stir something in you. It's a great jumping-off point to edgier sex. A shift in power dynamics, roleplay and mystery really do punch things up and they can change the way you see your partner--both in and out of the bedroom.
It's healthy. Make sure you're doing it in addition to having sex. Know thyself. Pleasure thyself. Take care of thyself. This is the only path to more fulfilling sex: Knowing what you want is the first step to getting what you want.
Just kiss. Total first-base stuff. And really focus on the kissing. Make it good. Just playing tonsil hockey--without any of the base-rounding--can be supremely hot and, again, makes you slow down and really tune into how it feels to be close to the person you like. So go for it!