Strong Alone: How Spending Time By Yourself Can Be Good For You

By: Suzanne Kvilhaug

Ever since I can remember, I’ve loved spending time alone. My mother told me that I was the easiest baby because I never fussed about being alone and I’d happily entertain myself for hours on end. I have the greatest friends and I know how to connect with all different kinds of people so it’s not like I lack social skills. And I don’t have social anxiety yet I’d consider myself more introverted than extroverted. Spending time alone has always been a concept that I’ve been really passionate about. I’d go as far as saying that the fear of being alone and the lack of time spent being alone could be the cause of many problems that people experience. Being alone tends to get a bad rap but when you start to look at it deeper, you can see that it builds the foundation of a strong, healthy, and happy person. 

“I think between the ages of 15 and 32, don't worry about getting married, don't worry about settling down, don't worry about having a baby. Give birth to yourself.” –Kelly Cutrone

Everyone is different. Not everyone wants to get married and have kids. For some people it’s right and for some people it’s wrong. With society always reminding us of how it should be a main goal in life, people who aren’t meant for it or at least meant for it early on in life may end up doing it anyway. The potential result? A lot of pain, dysfunction, and unhappiness. And spending the rest of your life wondering “what would have happened if I followed my intuition?”. If you're at a time in your life where your intuition is saying it's best to follow a unique path, listen to it. Make the brave choice instead of creating a life that you don’t truly want. Remind yourself that what matters isn’t how your life looks on the outside, it’s about how it feels on the inside. You're the only one who has to wake up in your shoes. I read If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You by Kelly Cutrone in my early 20’s and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Honestly, it felt like a godsend. I knew that finding a husband and having kids at that time wasn’t going to fulfill me. Finding myself was. If you feel like you have a lot of things to learn about yourself and that you need to experience life on your own terms, you’re right. Trust your inner voice. It’s the best compass you’ll ever have. Take one big step and the path will continue to reveal itself. After a while on your journey, you may be surprised at how many people end up envying you for having had the guts to go on it.

“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” –Rupi Kaur

Remember the show the Real World on MTV? It felt like everyone on that show said they were going on it to “find myself”. I remember being utterly confused by this statement. Find themselves? I took it too literally. That was until I got older and I completely got what that meant. And maybe the popular phrase “finding myself” is more like discovering and becoming yourself. Your true self. Not who you were conditioned to think you are or who you feel the pressure to pretend to be. If you don’t spend time alone, how can you really know yourself? By having a clear and calm mind you won’t be susceptible to making decisions based on the influence of other people’s opinions. Research shows that solitude helps with self-regulation. How can you hear your own thoughts if you’re constantly listening to someone else’s? If you’re always around other people because you feel lonely, you’ll never stop feeling like something is missing. And what’s missing is likely you. The real you. The more time you devote to yourself, your talents, and your interests, the more you’ll connect to who you really are and the less lonely you’ll feel.  

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” –Bell Hooks 

“Users get used.” I only heard that somewhat recently and although it's harsh, it struck a chord with me. It made me re-examine the belief that like attracts like. Could this be true? Seems possible. If you’re using the company of other people as an escape from your problems, what’s not to say they aren’t doing the same? If you’re uncomfortable spending time alone, the only way to learn how to tolerate it is by doing it. Sooner than later, it will become easier and easier. Research has even suggested that blocking off enough alone time is an important component of a well-functioning social life. Why does this matter so much? Because once you love spending time solo you’ll never use people for the wrong reasons. 

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” –John Greene

No journey of self-discovery is the same. What I can tell you about mine is that I had to let go of some friendships and relationships that didn’t feel supportive of who I was becoming. Have you ever felt like some people in your life no longer fit or feel right? Getting stuck in the past can automatically forfeit your chances of creating an incredible future. Letting go of people is undoubtedly one of the toughest things we go through in life. But not all bonds are meant to last forever. Especially if you’re on a path of growth and evolution. When creating a more authentic life takes priority, people’s insecurities can come out. If you’re following your heart and friends aren’t happy for you, let them go with love. Set the intention to find people who are more like-minded and that understand where you’re coming from and where you plan on going. Seek people who you genuinely connect with. People that can make you happier than you ever imagined possible. You’ll know when you find them because you’ll feel different with them. Having them in your life feels right. You just click and you can feel how much they care about you and the vision you have for yourself. When you’re with them you’ll feel a constant sense of gratitude in the back of your mind. Gratitude for finding what feels like your second family. A second family that you can’t help but feel you were rewarded with for trusting the universe when you had no guarantee that you’d ever meet these people. Blind faith with a pure heart attracts miracles. Never stop believing that it’s worth the time and struggles it takes to be led to people who really understand and appreciate you on every level. I remember reading this insightful quote from Timothy Leary that ended with the simple sentiment of “find the others”. I can wholeheartedly say that one of the best things I've ever done in my life is finding the others. 

“Your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

No cell phones, no computer, no distractions, just solitude. Knowing you can thrive in solitude is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. What’s the one thing that you can always count on? Yourself. What’s the only thing that you have 100% control of? Yourself. It always comes back to you. You are responsible for your reactions, your thoughts, and ultimately your choices. There are always those people who handle themselves so well even in the worst of situations. Those skills took a whole lot of work. They didn’t fall apart because they knew they could push through anything by relying on themselves. By spending a healthy amount of time alone you’ll create a strong sense of self. A strong person with a solid base that won’t crumble even in the toughest of times. And a courageous person who will say yes to life’s greatest adventures. 

“Self-care is how you take your power back.” –Lalah Delia

Even if you’re extremely extroverted, you’ll eventually crash if you don’t spend any time alone. We all get burned out. Everyone needs to recharge, restore, and get grounded. Love getting massages? Book them often. Tired of working out in group classes? Work out alone at home. Schedule self-care on a regular basis and don’t be apologetic for it. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s self-care. You’ll be full of life, full of energy, and able to give that much more love to those people with who you choose to spend your precious time. 

“Being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anyone else.” –Esther Hicks

Your happiness is in your own hands. By working on your emotional intelligence and emotional triggers you’ll mature and become a lot happier over time. Aren’t happier people much more enjoyable to be around? Do you ever notice how people can take out their anger on people they aren’t even angry with? Learn how to cope with your feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt others. What good can come out of trying to create pain for someone else because you’re in pain? Spending a certain amount of time alone can generate more empathy towards others, according to a landmark study from Harvard. By processing your emotions in a healthy and non-destructive way you won’t run into sticky situations where your unhappiness caused you to do regretful things. Work on figuring out the root cause of your own happiness then commit to being productive about changing it. Maturity is a choice. People who are self-aware and emotionally developed give off amazing energy to be around. An energy that’s so healing that it has the potential to change the world. 

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